A person who whines what is called. Why do people always complain? Finding the Right Solutions
Until I started talking about: why do people complain about life- I want to remind you, do not forget to subscribe to the newsletter of my articles (the subscription is located at the end of this article) to your mail! For what? I just wish that you made it a habit to feed your brain daily only useful information, which will definitely come in handy in the future (than cosines and sines at school :))!
For example, if you ask the average American how they are doing, the response is likely to be “Fine, thank You” or “All right.”
These answers, supported by a radiant smile, translate as "Great, wonderful, wonderful."
At the same time, it doesn’t matter at all whether his answer corresponds to the real state of affairs, an American will never burden you with his problems.
If you ask your compatriot the same thing, you are more likely to run into the answers “Normal”, “It used to be better”, “So-so”, or even “Everything is bad”.
But the funny thing is that your interlocutor's business can go just fine, and he has no problems, so where does the constant despondency come from?
Schaub not jinxed?
And just in case, suddenly get sick?
Even worse is the situation with people who constantly complain about life.
Even if you practically don’t know each other or haven’t seen each other for 150 years, then at a chance meeting you will definitely be given “valuable” information about deteriorating health, a scoundrel-husband, a satrap-chief, thieves in the government, etc.
The motto of the eternal mourners can be voiced like this: “Chief, everything is gone!”
Where do those who constantly whine come from, what are the reasons for their behavior and why in no case should you follow their example, let's try to figure it out.
So what are you, an energy vampire ...
I'll start with the backstory...
My close friend works in a small women's team.
The girls are all young, they are good friends, the common topics for discussion at dinner are the sea, but there is one thing: the boss.
This is an elderly lonely lady whose son lives far away.
And this same son, having decided, took a bank loan, mortgaging his mother's apartment.
The dollar jumped, interest increased, there was nothing to pay, and the bank, of course, is not a charitable organization.
And as soon as the problems began, a friend and colleagues were forced to listen to complaints about a hard life.
At first they sympathized, then they remained silent, then they began to change the topic of conversation, and in the end they tried to escape.
A friend said: just imagine, we come in the morning good mood, over morning coffee, I want to brag about new clothes, talk about an interesting film or program taken away, and then a hurdy-gurdy starts up: “The bank, the bastard, is taking away the apartment.”
The boss splashed her portion of negativity on our heads, she even had it, and then we sit drooping all day.
Here is a clear sign of energy vampirism!
Moreover, that their source is himself.
Well, after all, no one forced them to take a foreign currency loan, to force an apartment, and by signing the contract, they agreed to its terms.
So why shift the blame to the bank?
I advised my friend in this situation to block the information coming from the boss.
It’s better not to listen to what she says at all, in no case keep up the conversation and not show after it that your mood has deteriorated.
Sooner or later, she will get tired of complaining about life if she sees that you do not react to it.
A friend recently confirmed that it worked.
Why are they doing that?
The reasons why people complain about life, quite a lot, but we will highlight three main ones:
The image of the victim suits me.
Victims do exist.
Moreover, they choose this role consciously, and they are not going to refuse it.
They do not want anything from those around them, they just like it when they are pitied.
Help where you can.
The second type of people to complain is driven by the desire to gain.
And this is not about moral support, but about help with money, housing, transport, etc.
Even if this person rents out an apartment in the very center of the city, and he has as many as 10 such apartments, he will still look like a poor and unfortunate "relative" who never has money!
I'm a girl, I don't want to decide anything.
The gender issue has absolutely nothing to do with it.
I mean people who blame their mistakes on someone else or refuse to make any decisions at all.
In a conversation, they operate with abstract concepts and phrases like: “This is my fate”, “You can’t argue against fate”, “How can I fight fate” and the like.
With such whiners and losers it is better not to enter into discussions. They will not be able to take advantage of your help or your advice.
Do not replenish the caste of mourners
We sort of figured out the reasons that push people to constantly whine, but now I will explain to you, why you shouldn't complain about life?
Firstly, most of the problems that we used to complain about are quite solvable.
Diseases have worsened - go to the doctor, there is not enough money - change jobs, you are not satisfied family life– talk to your spouse, take a romantic trip, etc.
Secondly, the time and energy that we spend on complaints is better spent on solving specific problems.
From the fact that you spoil the mood of others, it will definitely not become easier for you to live!
Thirdly, constantly complaining about little things, such as “we couldn’t get to the concert”, “the TV broke”, “tights torn”, etc., sooner or later you will bring real problems into your life.
Project your life not on “everything is bad”, but on “Everything is Great!”
Fourthly, the same life, fate, fate, which losers love to hide behind so much, love only the strong and courageous.
You will definitely be lucky if you learn to take responsibility for your actions and courageously deal with failures.
Fifth, bad habits in the lives of successful people are unacceptable.
The habit of constantly complaining ruins your life just like cigarettes or alcohol.
Watch this video and get started today!
People complain about life not realizing that they are often the source of the problems themselves.
It is about them that they often disparagingly say: "Losers, whiners."
You don't want to be one of them, do you?
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Andrey! Your problems really cause you a lot of inconvenience. Here, of course, it would be good to work with your self-esteem first of all. There is an explanation for what is happening to you now - this is your past, there were some situations that, as a result of this psycho-traumatic moment, you behave now the way you behave and perceive yourself accordingly. Now there are many psychotechnologies that allow you to make quick changes, process old negative experiences, and you will become what you want to become. The right thoughts will come to a clean head and it will become clear how best to act here. This work with your lifeline, when the memory is overwritten, and the problem will be significantly reduced. You can go to my website, there are many examples based on real work with clients in the *Articles* section, incl. on personal problems, and with a variety of conditions. There are situations in life when some kind of negative experience has accumulated in us, or your psyche has not been able to process and cope with something, hence there is no motivation for action, anger, aggression, silt, although the reason here is somewhat different. To be maybe there was something so negative in your past that your memory has amnesiazed these stories for you, but a trace of this remains. I have articles on a variety of strata on my site. Probably, you have lost the meaning of life somewhere. And in life it happens that for our problematic state we can receive some unpleasant events in life. It is worth dealing with all this, removing what has now accumulated in you and bringing you to new positive states and changes. On my site there is material on a variety of problems, you can read. I think this will help you understand something for yourself.) Let me drop you one of my articles.) Good luck!)
Become and be a confident person. Posted in Articles | March 20, 2015
If we take into account that the vast majority of people have low self-esteem, and the rest have fragmentary (I would say so) low self-esteem - only in some area of self-realization, then the first job of a psychologist, psychotherapist and sexologist is precisely the work on confidence in all areas of life.
And as an example, I want to give you a small work with a client from Moscow, a 23-year-old girl, where, among other problematic conditions, self-doubt and low self-esteem were declared.
It is worth noting that the basis of problems is always some past negative experience, starting from distant childhood. So it was this time.
The first memory is an early age, when my father drank, there were constant scandals in the family, little attention was paid to the girl. She generally grew up as an unloved and not very happy child, hence the first problems with self-esteem arose. I helped her change that situation, and the client filled herself with self-respect, self-love, and inner light.
The next memory is about the difficulties in relationships with classmates. The client told that she was *ridiculed* (the words of the girl) from 4th to 9th grade, until she moved to another school, where the situation became much better. Here, we brought to her awareness the information that she would never be a schoolgirl again, and living with the problems of those years, worsening the quality of her life here and now, does not make any sense.
Next - there was a story about problems with boys in adolescence. Somehow the relationship did not work out, and the client realized for herself: “They probably don’t like me, I’m worse than others.” In addition, then there was a guy who she really liked, but when they got to know each other a little closer, he said that the girl was only suitable for him for sex, but not for a relationship. And from this, self-esteem again crept down.
The problematic state was in the form of a gray veil, and we replaced this with self-confidence. It came to an understanding that at that time these were only the first tests, and not all of them are successful, for a variety of reasons, and not at all because she is worse than others.
The following story had a more or less prosperous appearance, but, nevertheless, it presented a certain problem for the client. She had been married for several years, but she was very jealous of her husband. In his environment (at work) there were girls of model appearance, and the client considered herself the most ordinary girl. Here I also had to work as an experienced psychologist, sexologist and psychotherapist. We used *image of ourselves*.
The image of the model was as follows: “she is taller than me, thinner. And I stand, and I feel my tightness (we changed this to self-confidence and inner strength).” Next came stiffness, it symbolized a chain, and became an altered state - emancipation. Then, compare yourself to others. The problematic state looked like a mirror, we also removed it, and replaced it with the realization that *I am better*. And there were reasons for this. Among all the other girls, the husband chose her. And when we began to check how the problem was solved, the girl saw a changed picture and said: “now I see that I am standing above her (the model that she saw at the beginning)”.
And further, in order to consolidate her positive changes, I asked her a question: ***** What distinguishes you from other girls, what is in you, but not in them? And she answered the following: sincerity, care, warmth, tenderness and affection.
In each of us there is something for which we can be loved, and how we differ from others. But when we have problems with self-esteem and self-doubt, then all this remains in the background, and our problem comes to the fore, covering all the best in us.
So draw your own conclusions, gentlemen!
Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 11 bad answer 2We all strive to communicate because we want mutual understanding and emotional support. Not all people can and want to provide moral support, forgetting about their worries. More often than others, we think about ourselves and our worries. The conversation will be about two types of people. Everyone likes to communicate with the first, such people easily isolate themselves from their problems, get off their black streak, and tune in to the positive. And others who are up to their necks in their own failures and problems, and therefore cannot see a way out of them, deciding that there is none. Instead, they spend all their energy blaming and feeling sorry for themselves, as well as spoiling others with their complaints about life.
This type of behavior hides its goals and motives. Because we have to deal with different people, then you need to figure out how to communicate with people who are constantly complaining about life without harming their own psyche and with the ability to help them.
The motives of constantly complaining people
When you hear constant complaining, complaints about everyone and everything, you can also start to think that the absence of positive things in life is the norm, and adopt a negative outlook on life. Psychologically, it looks like this: the complainer, without any suspicion on your part, shifts the accumulated negativity onto your shoulders, freeing himself from an unbearable burden, in return taking away your positive attitude, thereby recharging from you, and you get a negative charge from such a person.
People who always have everything bad and they like to talk about it are divided into three groups:
The first group of people who constantly complain
The first is to get your approval for your failed life, to get an excuse for yourself in your own eyes.
Sometimes, during a one-sided long “complaint” about life, it seems to you that all you have to do is listen, and your opponent can only speak out. After all, he does not perceive any advice, and he will immediately mark your options for solving problems as untenable and unsuitable for solving them. It seems that a person is unsettled by the ease of exit, and he completely ignores it, but he expects you to support his image of a loser and assert himself in his helplessness and hopelessness. He wants you to confirm that the situation cannot be changed and it is irreparable. Such a person tries to manipulate your emotions to confirm his own hopeless weakness.
A person understands perfectly well that in moments of difficulties mobilization comes. internal forces to solve the problem. There are situations when a person takes a wait-and-see attitude and gives up. Then the interlocutor is expected to approve such a decision in order to balance for some time on the verge of "maybe it will resolve itself." The complaining person dumps the burden of negativity on the interlocutor, who now carries him away in himself.
The second group of complaining about life
These people are cunning and more refined. They mask their essence with questions about your life, work, success, and family. And when you do not hide your successes in your personal life, work and hope that they will be happy for you, then the essence of a whiner manifests itself. He pours a bucket of negativity on you, not hiding envy that everything went smoothly for you, you were lucky, but he was not. And you, imperceptibly for yourself, develop a negative opinion about yourself as a “lucky one”, so unfavorably standing out against a foreign background. And you begin to think: is it permissible to be happy and look for at least something bad in your life in order to calm the interlocutor.
This type of behavior is aimed at justifying a person’s failures by saying that he was simply unlucky, unlike you. He encourages you to think that you are almost to blame, that you are happier than him and thus justifies your failures and asserts yourself.
The third kind of people who like to complain about life
They do not openly make themselves a victim. He humiliates himself in every possible way, saying that he can do nothing with the fact that he is so bad and does not require anything. Communicating with such a person, I immediately want to somehow convince him, to help him in some way.
Rules for dealing with people who are dissatisfied with their lives
If you cannot completely stop communicating with such a person, then try to take the initiative in the conversation and sober him up with specific questions: what does he see as the reason for the failures? How does he think you can help him? Ask him what he personally has already done to change the situation?
You may not change the person himself, but you will definitely change the course of the conversation.
Sometimes it's hard to admit it to yourself. Do not rush to object that there are a lot of whiners who willingly complain at every step "for their bitter lot." I'm not talking about them and not about this. Although ... why not about them? After all, whining is not only a desire to gain sympathy, but even to “vampire”. This is often a way to get away from solving problems. Focusing on your suffering while drawing the attention of others is very effective method not only and not so much to be emotionally discharged, but to form such a vision of our situation that would help to live ... with all the filth that we carry in ourselves.
Live with her- think about it! It’s not easy to live without falling into despair from the fact that our insides are full of everything ..., namely “with it”, that is, not bothering with self-disposal, but point-blank not seeing the grounds for this, focusing all attention on symptoms, experiencing about them, but not allowing any real measures to eliminate the cause. Those who swim in social networks have already watched the famous video Funny, right? The funnier that the truth, and the truth is ordinary.
This, of course, is an extreme, although it is common, and besides, it is rejected and condemned by any sane person. But the opposite extreme is considered a virtue: when a person not only does not complain, but also point-blank sees no reason for this. And the reason, which is most surprising, is the same: the fear of seeing the real state of affairs, the inner unwillingness to rake up your inner rubbish.
A person is smart enough to understand that our sufferings are from internal disorder, that they are symptoms indicating a disease that needs to be treated, spiritual poverty and at the same time overcrowding with something such that Christ cannot go inside and rest: so , in the hallway we let him trample, and then we would like to invite him, but there is nowhere. There, everything is completely occupied with the instruments of serving Him - and this is already something for someone: someone who has all kinds of talents, someone who has saving and creative activity, who has prayer and fasting, which have become an end in itself, I'm not talking about the "saint" - about love for relatives, home, to the motherland and the state, about patriotism with humanism, about dreams, where the “city of Kitezh” and Holy Russia are mixed with a “bright future” and a “glorious past”, where “we are the foremost European country” or “we all bent over” - this is depending on personal preferences. It is not so important what our “church” is filled with, if it does not allow Christ to rest in us – and we understand this.
We understand. But not so much as to admit to oneself one's own weakness. Of course, “for the sake of order”, as Orthodox Christians, we confess our weakness, but realize let's not rush it. After all, it’s one thing to grunt about one’s infirmities, and another thing to be aware of them so much as to tear one’s fingers into blood, dragging out of oneself what clutters up space ...
But if we take it, we will be surprised to find that among everything with which we are overflowing, the tools of labor for the glory of God do not take up much space. Basically, there are waste products: shavings, all kinds of sawdust (but how else, earthly works, not without it), well, there ... mouse corpses: our passions, which we kind of beat in ourselves, as if we poison when they attack , but we do not clean it properly (there is no time, we need to do business). Only to discover this in yourself and rake it - you don’t want passion. There is so much... There is so much of this in us that our hands drop without even looking, and therefore we don’t want to look, and, in order not to look, it’s better not to notice our suffering.
Vicious "overcoming"
“We must overcome,” said one elderly regentis to a relatively young singer, when she, in response to her demand “not to dance”, tried to explain that she was forced from time to time (of course, not during singing, but in between) to bend her legs alternately in the knees, due to unbearable pain in the veins. Having heard the ascetic instruction of the elder sister in Christ, the singer did not begin to explain that she had an operation on her veins not so long ago, that she often comes to sing with a pressure of 80/40, falling, probably against the background of an allergy, asthmatic attacks on the basis of which she all the time you have to “overcome”, suppressing them with potent drugs (especially since regentisa knew about asthma, why remind her?).
By the way, about a year later, this singer died from an asthma attack, habitually “overcoming” her illness (and who will go shopping for her?) By taking medicine, instead of calling an ambulance. Apparently, by that time she had become accustomed not only to the willful overcoming of weakness, neglecting the bronchial edema that occurred every time she went uphill, for example, not to mention stress, but also got used to the medicine, due to frequent use ...
So it didn't work that evening. Actually, it worked at first. She puffed him, it seemed to feel better, and she decided that it was a common thing. I went on foot so as not to wait for the trolleybus, and probably went quickly (after all, there is so much to do on Easter evening for a mother of five children). But the attack took revenge and overtook her halfway. Suddenly. She didn't even have time to use her inhaler again.
So, each unjustified "overcoming" brought her closer to this fatal moment.
Yes, of course, it is necessary to overcome suffering when there is a need for it. You should not become sour over trifles, and even not over trifles - even more so. But you need to notice the suffering in yourself in time. Endure, do not whine, do not lose heart and do not despair, but react properly in order not only to overcome suffering, but also to overcome the disease. Yes, and with the patience of pain, fatigue, all kinds of annoying and tiring factors, it is somehow necessary to be more careful.
Why endure at all what is not conditioned by some higher meaning, and in general anything beyond what is expediently necessary? It happens that suffering is associated with some internal problems that need to be solved without running away from them in the hope that everything will be different in a new place, otherwise the same problems will overtake you there, and even with a vengeance. But if constructive conclusions are made, there are positive shifts in personal growth, and the external situation is a dead end, already due to circumstances beyond your control? Then why not change the scene?
Example. The teenager has communication problems. In the class, he is disliked, rejected, and he himself, as often happens, either tries to attract attention to himself, provoking negativity, or tries to hide in the gap when someone decides to torment him. He tearfully asks to be transferred to another school. What to do? It is a pity for the boy, but it is clear to the guardians (he is an orphan) that if he yields and in this state is transferred to another team, whether he wants it or not, very soon the attitude towards him will be the same, if not worse, given that in his class he - some kind, but "one's own".
They explain all this to him and offer the following: he will be transferred to another school, but not in this one. academic year, but in the future. He is given a year to work on himself and solve his problems. psychological problems in the old place. He must learn to behave appropriately in any situation, in particular, to respond steadfastly and flexibly to troubles (be patient with something, resist something, and evade something, and learn to distinguish in which cases what is appropriate). And for this, we need to strengthen ourselves in every way.
During the summer holidays, one of the family friends takes him sailing on a yacht. Traveling through the fjords and other attractions of the Baltic Sea takes about a week, maybe a little more. On the yacht, besides him and a friend of his guardians, were the owner of the yacht with his wife and child. And the boy, firstly, thawed out, and secondly, fit into the rhythm of normal male communication. Upon his return, he was unrecognizable. As if a dislocation was corrected.
Then, in the fall, he was sent to the taekwondo section. No, no, thank God he didn't have to demonstrate his newfound skills to anyone in the class. It was enough that his inner self-perception had changed. Just as the former curvature of his personality provoked an unhealthy attitude on the part of those around him, even when he did nothing wrong (and from time to time he also did, which gave him a reason to “teach” him not only directly for, but also from old memory ), and the internal straightening that began attracted the attention of classmates, and swept to smithereens his former, seemingly reinforced concrete image of a vile type that had developed in their collective consciousness.
As a result, when the time came for the fulfillment of the promise, he was no longer eager to transfer. He changed school, but solely for reasons of practical expediency in connection with a change of residence to another district of the city. It was a wonderful lesson for him, how dangerous self-pity is, and how important it is that those who sympathize with your grief do not follow your lead, helping to get rid of not only the reasons for self-pity, but, first of all, the reasons.
However, here's what's important to understand: self-pity provokes blocking. And not only from the side of others who are not disposed to “load” and “steam”, but also from the side of the sufferer himself, who considers self-pity shameful, humiliating, relaxing and destructive, and therefore forbids himself not only self-pity, but also any recognition of himself worthy of sympathy. , indulgence, consolation, up to the point that it ignores the need for treatment, rest, and finally, the improvement of living conditions, study and work. In order not to provoke rejection from others, you need to be more careful with the choice of interlocutors for intimate conversations, but it’s more difficult with yourself ...
One must be able to pity oneself, and understand, and endure. Or rather, not so, not in this order. Understand , regret And tolerate , because there will be understanding - there will be appropriate pity, and then there will be patience, able to endure, if necessary, everything, but without idiocy, with prudence.
Ecce Homo
Let us remember how the Lord reveals Himself to us in the Gospel. Superman above suffering, turning off His flesh, ignoring instincts? Alien to human experiences and joys? Not at all. Yes, if necessary, He rises above that, but notice how honestly He remains human to the end.
He takes part in the wedding feast and, in a “highly spiritual” superficial glance, exchanges His omnipotence for satisfying the guests’ need for a laughing liquid, when, it would seem, it’s time for them to know and the honor to know (architriklin noted in perplexed delight that the host served the best wine, when everything has already “reached the standard”, and therefore it would be possible to offer something worse).
We see Him both crying for Lazarus, whom He is about to resurrect, and smashing “candle boxes” in the Jerusalem temple - this is precisely the function that the sacrificial animal trade system performed so that pilgrims would not drive their cattle across the country ( everything for the people!), and "currency exchange points" (inside the temple, only its own sacred coin was in circulation, and not the Roman one - nasty, pagan, pah on her barcode!). And it is not necessary that He had an exclusive right to this, for the Temple is the house of His Father, and therefore, His house. No one here disputes his rights. Speaking of something else: He did all this, albeit without passion and unnecessary cruelty, but not with an apathetic face! ..
And then there were the sufferings that He endured for us. However, most clearly Christ showed the taking upon Himself of our infirmity, even when He was not spat upon, bewildered, ridiculed, crucifixion and death. Prayer for the Chalice is when the Lord shows us the image of a person’s attitude towards himself in sorrow (whether in anticipation of it, or in transference). This is not only a manifestation of His complete communion human nature and the consequences of the fall in it (not to be confused with sin, to which He remained a stranger) - physical and spiritual pain, fear (the apostle Luke writes that during prayer "His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground" - Lk. 22: 44), suffering, sickness, and death itself - but it is also image of a person's attitude to grief and to yourself in it .
Pay attention, He initially does not build such a thing out of Himself. self-sufficient hero. It would seem that someone, but the Son of God, in order to talk with the Father, does anyone need? And what are the witnesses of His weakness? This is if according to our logic. He seems to have a different one.
If the Evangelist Luke (Luke 22:39–46) speaks of all the disciples, then Matthew (Matt. 26:36–46) and Mark (Mark 14:32–42) indicate that Jesus, moving away from the apostles by prayer, takes with him the same three of them whom he previously took to Tabor, as the most, for this reason, fortified in the hope of the resurrection, so that what he saw and heard Now did not serve them as a temptation (St. John Chrysostom). But there is another aspect: they saw on Tabor His glory as the Son of God - now let them see His mournful, feeble state as the Son of Man, similar to us in everything, and be convinced of the illusory truth of the fullness of the Incarnation.
The Lord voluntarily drinks the entire Cup, taking upon Himself the fullness of human suffering, partaking even of the feeling of God-forsakenness, expressed in His cry on the Cross, immediately before His death. He freely accepts suffering, His human will is one in Him with the divine will.
As blessed Theophylact explains, “the desire that the cup be carried past belongs to human nature, and soon after that the words spoken: however not my will, but yours be done“show that we should have the same disposition and be wise in the same way, obey the will of God and not deviate, even if our nature draws in the opposite direction. „ Not mine"human" will, but yours be done“And this Yours is not separated from My Divine will. The one Christ, having two natures, had, no doubt, the will or desires of each nature, divine and human.
So, human nature at first desired to live, for this is characteristic of it, and then, following the Divine will that all people be saved, the will common to the Father and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, it decided to die, and thus one desire became - saving death. .
No need to be ashamed fear of death, fear sorrow is everything natural. It is not feelings that are shameful, it is shameful to servility to them to the detriment of moral virtue and contrary to conscience.. “Not falling into temptation means not being swallowed up by temptation, not becoming under its power,” writes Blessed Theophylact in his interpretation of the Gospel of Luke, emphasizing that the Savior “commands us to pray that our property be safe and that we not be subjected to any trouble," because "to plunge oneself into temptations means to be daring and proud."
Anticipating objections with reference to the Epistle of the Apostle James, who advises to gladly accept falling into temptations (James 1:2), blessed Theophylact explains that “James did not say: cast yourself down, but when you are subjected, do not lose heart, but have every once make joy and the involuntary free. For it is better if temptations did not come, but when they did, why grieve madly? – Can you point me to a place in Scripture where it would be literally commanded to pray in order to fall into temptations? But you can't tell. – I know that there are two types of temptation and that some people need to pray for not falling into temptation, they mean about the temptation that conquers the soul, for example, about the temptation of fornication, the temptation of anger. And we should have every joy when we are subjected to bodily illnesses and temptations. For to what extent outer man smoldering, in such an interior it is renewed (2 Cor. 4:16).
Courage with the mind
In praying for the Chalice, the Lord reveals not only a combination of human and divine will, but also a combination of human weakness with human nobility - the weakness of the beginning of the "earthy", instinctively fearing death, including as a state unnatural for the "crown of creation", combined with restored in him nobility(good, high origin) godlike beginning human same nature. And the more beautiful is the triumph of the noble in a person, that he has to overcome the base.
There would be no reason to admire anyone's courage, if we, by earthly nature, did not tend to strive for pleasure and fear suffering. Courage is a manifestation of the human spirit that ennobles the soul, seeks God and encourages us to do things that elevate us above the flesh with its natural needs and instincts.
However, it by no means follows from this that any self-restraint or abstinence, any arbitrary renunciation of joy, happiness or anything else that gives pleasure, any self-dooming to suffering is, without fail, courage. According to Plato (do not take it as a preference for philosophy to patristics), courage consists in the fact that “affective (here - strong-willed. - I.P.) part of the soul supports, in spite of pleasure and pain, the decision of the mind about what should and should not be feared.
Yes, courage is characterized primarily by a strong-willed decision, but a supportive one. contrary to pleasure and pain», What? .. - "Solution reason about what one should and what one should not be afraid of. That is, to begin with, a person must have a mind. A fool, by definition, cannot be courageous. Bold, courageous, fearless - as much as you like, but not courageous. Everyone has a rudimentary mind, but not everyone has it developed. And the fool is not the one who knows little, but the one who not only does not see inferiority in his limitations, but also imposes it on others as the norm.
“In itself, the limitedness of a person is not stupidity,” writes priest Alexander Elchaninov in his diary. – Most smart people necessarily limited in a number of ways. Stupidity begins where stubbornness, self-confidence appears, that is, where pride begins.
One can only add that when the mind is enlightened by the Truth, courage acquires a new quality, because the understanding of “what should and should not be feared” in this case reaches a fundamentally new level, and a person is no longer only intuitive, as if in darkness , to the touch, is guided by the spirit, but acts (from "tread" - step, manner of walking, move, walk; gait) in the light of Divine Revelation. Although still sometimes we have to step by touch, but not because the light of Revelation is dim, but because our mind is damaged, our conscience is frostbitten. “The lamp for the body is the eye,” says the Lord. “So if your eye is clear, then your whole body will be bright; but if your eye is evil, your whole body will be dark. So if the light that is in you is darkness, then what is the darkness? (Matthew 6:22-23).
As St. John Chrysostom notes, God “gave us a mind so that we could dispel the darkness of ignorance, have a correct understanding of things and, using it as a tool and light against everything mournful and harmful, be safe.” And “just as with regard to the body we are most concerned about having healthy eyesight, so with regard to the soul, we should primarily take care of the soundness of the mind.”
Bishop Michael (Luzin) writes that “the lamp of the soul is the mind…: if the mind is bright, clearly understands spiritual things, then it enlightens all spiritual properties and directs their activity towards acquiring what is truly precious for the soul,” including through the courageous patience of sorrows. overcoming all sorts of obstacles. If the mind is darkened by delusions (not necessarily of a dogmatic nature), courage will be imaginary, and even harmful, dangerous for the “ascetic” himself and for those who communicate with him, especially for his subordinates. Even if he will ask himself first of all, but “breaking through the knee” will be everyone who depends on him (it doesn’t matter because of what: circumstances, hierarchical or administrative position, or even simply because of his indisputable authority), whom by force, against his will, and who with enthusiastic consent, for which reason this will not be perceived as “breaking”, and, worst of all, he will plant his defective model "Orthodox worldview" as the ultimate truth.
"Where it's hard to be alone..."
But let us return to the example of the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane. Above, we have already noticed that He takes with Him three disciples: Peter and the sons of Zebedee - the brothers James and John. For what? For them to testify how He will pray and what exactly He will say? But from the patristic interpretations, as already noted above, it follows only that they were to become witnesses of His human weakness. And for this, it was enough for them to see how He "sorrows and yearns" even before departing from them. And he went a long distance.
The authoritative interpreter Euthymius Zigaben believes that what the Evangelist Luke said about the distance of Christ from the apostles to the distance of a stone thrown does not apply to the main part of the disciples, but to those three whom He took with Him. All three evangelists testify that three times He not only turned around and found His disciples sleeping, but came to them.
Did they see His bloody sweat at this, albeit relatively small, but still decent distance? Did they hear His words? Neither in the Gospels nor in patristic interpretations is it said that the apostles are themselves It's clear seen and clearly heard. After all, this is who you have to be in order to such(!) to see and hear and fall asleep?!.. Forgive me for expressing a purely personal opinion, but I do not admit the idea that the closest students were so thick-skinned.
Not seven spans in the forehead? - Yes. Cowardly? - Yes. This is on Pentecost, after the descent of the Spirit, they will be transformed, but for now they do not shine with anything special. Only here in humanity you will not refuse them. The apostles, especially Peter, who loved Christ more than others, and the zealous “sons of thunder”, at the sight of bloody sweat and hearing the prayer for the Chalice, could not doze off. I do not believe. But to relax due to weakness, while the Teacher once again prays in solitude, albeit grieving in anticipation of suffering, about which He has told them so long and repeatedly that they could get used to it - it’s easy, unless, I repeat, you don’t see and don’t hear nothing exceptional.
Weak friends… One just beat his chest, declaring that he would give his life for Him, the other two, not so long ago, were ready to incinerate the city because their Teacher was not accepted in it, and now He asks them only to share time with Himself anxiety, painful longing, to be with Him together…It turns out they can't do it.
But it was precisely for this that He took them with Himself: “My soul is grieving to death,” He says to them, “stay here and watch with Me” (Matt. 26:38). He shows us that in sorrows one should not neglect the simple human support of people close in spirit, they can and even need to be asked for it. True, it is appropriate to note that support for support is different. It is one thing to share sorrow, another thing to partake of sin.
Some people tend to understand support as complete solidarity with them and approval of all feelings, words and actions, agreement with all their opinions (“ Whose side are you on anyway?"). But the Lord, of course, points us to support in sorrow, free from indulging people in their depravity. human pleasing, the motives of which may be different: the desire to maintain good relations at any cost, the fear of causing hatred, alienation, or any other selfish interests.
This applies to our attitude both to those who need comfort and to ourselves: firstly, we should not neglect reliance on loved ones (after all, it is even insulting for friends to find out that they have not shared grief with them, asked for support, help), and secondly, you should not require them to agree with you in everything, but be content with sympathy, being grateful to them for their sincerity in disagreeing with us, even when it is associated with a misunderstanding of something.
Yes! Close person may not understand something in ourselves, in our actions, not approve of this, but at the same time he supports us in grief itself, empathizes, sympathizes and, I’m not afraid of this word, regrets.
What kind of stupidity, what pity humiliates? The vile stupidity of a proud mind ... Pity is a natural manifestation of the virtue of mercy. How can virtue humiliate? Humiliating can be condescending contempt, manifested in a similar way. Well, so the pity of pity is different, just do not confuse diverse phenomena!
Maybe we are afraid that the pity of our neighbor will provoke an attack in us. self-pity? And is this the only reason why we ungratefully neglect, or even get annoyed at, this manifestation of love and mercy? This is reminiscent of how another person is irritably rude in response to praise, wanting to prevent pride and vanity from swelling in himself (after all, you want to see yourself as a modest thing, but here you really feel like you are puffed up). Is the one who highly appreciated you or your work, is it to blame that you are ill with these passions? Thank the person with a kind word and deal with your vices for health! After all, rudely cutting it off, you are guided by the very pride that you are ashamed of in yourself.
Tired…
It’s bad for a person because “everything is not as it should be.” You work, you give all the best - not for yourself, no, in the name of something or for someone - but all in vain. No, we are not talking about rewards, not even about gratitude, although we must also understand that our nature has a natural expectation of an adequate return. We may not consciously strive for it, but subconsciously we are still attuned to it. But, in any case, this is not the main thing.
At one nasty moment, you discover that the business in which you invested your very life, it turns out, can collapse due to someone’s not even evil will, but simply due to the stupidity and ignorance of a certain person, depending on which it suddenly turns out, or from the so-called "fatal coincidence" ... And that's it! There's nothing you can do You are powerless. And clearly you understand it. And, it seems, you realize that everything is in the hand of God, that, in the end, perhaps, this is a sign that you need to focus on the main thing, over which neither circumstances nor people have power - on your soul, in which, whatever you build, will stand, as long as it is built on His rock, and, whatever happens, you can use everything for building - and joy, and even more sorrow, but ... We are people.
Yes, the main thing in a person is the indelible image of God in him and His likeness as a vocation and God-given ability. Yes, the only meaning of life for each of us is the salvation of the soul in cooperation with God. The meaning is the same, but our natures are different. “Nature is a gift of God,” the ever-memorable archpriest Vladimir Zalipsky liked to repeat. And everyone realizes his vocation in line with his nature and in specific conditions. Completely realizes, with the whole being. Not only in spirit, but also in soul and body.
And when the last two do not receive what they need on the path of salvation, they begin to burden one another in ascending order. Therefore, when we are faced with insurmountable circumstances, when we experience a sense of powerlessness and fragility of our life's work, we give up. And knees buckle. And softens the heart. And I don't want anything...
Empty inside. Not even empty, but even worse, because emptiness can be natural, like unemployment, freedom, and here - emptiness .
We are a well-read people, we know that emptiness is from a lack of grace, from a lack of her ours, clogged with all sorts of things, "temple". That is, it is not empty at all, but empty of the grace of the Holy Spirit, which, according to the words of St. Silouan of Athos, “is the love and sweetness of the soul, mind and body; but when the soul loses grace, or when grace diminishes, then the soul will again tearfully seek the Holy Spirit and yearn for God.” But why is this happening? Because of what, or, perhaps, whom does grace fail in us? Because of someone's evil will?
Well, it's hard to deny that it affects our condition. Due to insurmountable circumstances, vicissitudes of fate, etc.? Who argues, it sometimes completely knocks the ground out from under us. But conscience tells us that this is not the underlying reason. The same Elder Siluan explains: “We are proud of our mind, and therefore we cannot stand in this grace, and it moves away from the soul, and then the soul misses it and tearfully seeks it again, and cries, and weeps, and calls to the Lord: Merciful God, You see how sad my soul is, and how I miss You. The only trouble is that the soul, experiencing this state, even turning to God, often cries and sobs not for Him, but for the beloved work that she dedicated to Him and served Him.
One can be smart here about the fact that emptiness should be filled with prayer, freeing the soul from the perishable content with all sorts of ascetic exercises, at the same time thanking God for sorrow. This is the main thing, no doubt. And enough has already been said about this. However, the Lord, Who, in fact, did not need anyone, just as He did not need baptism from John, teaches us by His example not to neglect "simple things."
You have a friend? Or just a kindred spirit, with whom, due to circumstances, it is not very possible to meet? Talk to him. Fortunately, the technical capabilities of many of us today are such that distances are not a hindrance.
Find a "heart with ears" and just talk it out. Try, if possible, not to condemn, not to slander, not to sting and not to swear. But talk it out before the Lord in the presence of man whom you trust, and if possible, then discuss the sore with him. And listen to his thoughts. Correct him if he does not understand something, or misunderstands. And listen again, take a closer look at your views in the light of what you heard, suddenly find out what mistake? Listen to yourself as if from the outside. But, in any case, speak out, let your brother / sister share your grief with you and help you understand yourself, in circumstances.
This is how a person is arranged, that only then is he often able to allow God to restore order in himself, if the door to his “temple” is unlocked by his neighbor.
I keep thinking about various types people, which I started recently. I have already written about those who like to put labels on other people, and about those who do not know how to listen and remember. Today I will continue about those who constantly (well, or just often) complain.
I want to explain right away that “complaining” does not always mean writing a complaint, crying to your mother about a negligent drunkard husband, or telling a colleague what a jerk your boss is. The following short dictionary will give an answer to the question of what it means to "complain."
Complain- feel sorry for yourself. This is a certain way of psychological influence on other people, which leads to the fact that the complainer causes empathy in the one who listens to him.
Empathy- a mechanism based on empathy, or the ability to take the place of another person and accept his point of view, believe him, help. To empathize means to experience the same thing, to experience together, to share in the experience together.
And now desire to help can be interpreted as a desire to take responsibility for resolving a situation that happened to another.
Do you understand? Complainers want to involve the other person in their situation and give them some of the responsibility for successfully resolving it.
So, the “complaint” is based on a more complex mechanism that all people learn in childhood. I'm talking about shifting responsibility. And I suggest that you consider this mechanism with me, which will clarify for you the psychology of those people who like to complain.
I have repeatedly noticed the following feature in some people - in “difficult” (or simply unprofitable for themselves) situations, they prefer to write off responsibility from themselves to someone else. This can be veiled in various phrases, ranging from the most obvious, such as “It’s not my fault, he came himself!” and ending with manipulations of varying complexity, like this one - “Before I talk about what I did during XXX, I would like to draw your attention to those people who, no matter what, continued to do YYY. It seems to me that it would be fair to condemn such actions and tighten the preventive measures. »
Why should people shift responsibility?
A process as complex as shifting responsibility can have two simple reasons(or goals):
1. Protecting your rights and justice
Not everything really depends on you. If, for example, you were late for work, then this could be due to the fact that some reckless driver caught up with you at a traffic light, and not necessarily because you overslept. Or you bought a phone that refused to work on the second day and you came to the store to return it back, because you want a really working phone, and NOT to deceive the store. Or you hit an adult attacking your child with a heavy blunt object. You never know what could happen. Protecting and defending your rights is necessary.
2. Introducing people astray, in order to obtain benefits for themselves
For example, you bought a phone and after falling into the bathroom toilet it (for some reason) stopped working, and you go to the store and blame the manufacturer (or seller) for being sold a low-quality product that broke down on the second day of operation. Your goal here is to get other people to correct your mistake at their own expense.
With age, as a rule, forms of disclaiming responsibility only become more complicated, but do not disappear (my personal observation).
I had a friend who so cleverly manipulated his relatives that they almost constantly felt guilty. Because they didn't really do it! It's just that this person was very good at transferring responsibility to others. For example, his son, who did not want to continue his business, was responsible for the constantly deteriorating business. HIS BUSINESS, not his son's business. Do you understand? 🙂
In this regard, let me once again quote John Vaughn Aiken: “When you accuse someone by pointing your finger at him, remember that at this moment most of the fingers of the hand are pointing at you!”
You can still complain (to relieve yourself of responsibility, and transfer it) about the weather, circumstances, the government (which they themselves chose, and now it is stealing gas from Russia). You can even arrange clowning with sessions of complaints about yourself (I can’t help myself, my hands are reaching for vodka, I’m bad) and sprinkle ashes on my head. Do you know what this is for? What will arrive, suddenly, a magician in a blue helicopter, and show a movie for free! People who bear responsibility are waiting for someone to save them from something. And here we can already talk about the Karpman triangle (the romantics also call it the “triangle of fate”).
In short, a person who complains takes a position for himself Victims. And he addresses his complaint to Rescuer(to the Deliverer), who must save the Victim from pursuer(which, in fact, they complain about). Only three roles, but how interesting!
Victim receives his income in the form of self-humiliation and self-flagellation, and in the form of the right not to take responsibility for his own actions. In addition, the presence of the Savior confirms her special human value and the correctness of her aspirations.
Pursuer gets his due from the fact that he feels his importance, proving that everyone else is to blame for everything, and he is so good. And also from the realization of one's own power and superiority.
Rescuer, probably, receives the most subtle and perverted pleasure - he rises above the Victim, helping her (which he, in the full sense of the word, is not able to do). The problem can be solved only by going beyond the triangle, and this is not at all profitable for the Savior. It is needed so that the Victim can become the Persecutor for a while. Rescuers are typical psychologists, gurus and best friends and girlfriends. In addition, the Rescuer quite successfully discharges his aggressiveness accumulated in other triangles on the Persecutor: morality does not condemn this, and it becomes easier for himself.(Role description taken from here)
The funniest thing about this is that there are such rescuers (or deliverers) who will gladly come to the aid of the weak, offended and humiliated. Read Fritz Morgen's article "Code of the Weak". Much will become clear.
And what to do with all this?
Not so many options, to be honest, but still.
1. Awareness and analysis of the situation in terms of intentions
Most the first thing to do is to understand that you are now starting to play the game of handing over the responsibility. Next - analyze the situation from the point of view of your goals and intentions, and the intentions of the other side. What does the one who bears responsibility want - to deceive or defend their rights?
As soon as you understand about the intentions of the one who is trying to transfer responsibility to another, then think about whether you want to continue this? If everyone decides to continue, then consciously take the risks associated with your role in this triangle.
If you decide NOT to continue, then just finish, and if you continue, then track how roles change as your communication develops. For example, you started with a stalker, and you blame your colleague for what he did. Think about who a colleague can turn to for help (whom will he call for the role of his deliverer, and your persecutor)? Keep it under control!
What do other bloggers write about responsibility?
Therefore, as the Chinese say, the one who does not blame anyone has gone all the way. In order not to blame, one must have the right motivation, because with the wrong one it turns out such a thing. You can not do shit yourself, and always find the perpetrators of your own loser - everyone has come across this. But manipulation of another kind is much more dangerous.
Anatoly Wasserman (yes, the same connoisseur and intellectual Wasserman, who always has 45 pockets with him in which he keeps things for all occasions) writes about how to educate conservatism in children, accustoming them to taking responsibility.
Date: 14th January, 2009 | Categories: Blog | Tags: NLP, understanding, psychology | | You can follow the comments on this entry through the comments feed.
3 comments on “Types of people. Type three - those who constantly complain"
Another reason for shifting responsibility is the forced helplessness brought up by the parents (or other immediate environment) in the child. When mom says "Don't get in the dough dirty hands!”, “Don’t touch!”, “Don’t climb!”, “You’re not doing that!”, then after such words Small child he doesn’t know how he should behave if THIS IS NOT NECESSARY ?! Or here’s another “they told you not to rush around the apartment when the field was washed!” while the child roars from a bruised knee. What to do? Parents do not answer these and many other questions. This is how lack of initiative is brought up. And in fact, taking the initiative implies taking responsibility.
Yes, I also believe that incorrect parental communication breeds helplessness and lack of initiative. A good reason to blame your parents for your alcoholism, for example! 🙂
And these two qualities can be re-educated in oneself at an already more mature age, if they are realized. This is if you stop blaming your parents, turn on your brain and stop drinking already 🙂
[. ] about those who do not know how to listen and remember and about those who constantly complain. Today I will continue about those who are afraid to make themselves [. ]
