Maternal feelings for the child did not wake up. What to do if there are no maternal feelings for the child? Childfree and childheit - what kind of life position

Unconditional maternal love has been sung at all times. But there were always stories behind the scenes when, for some unknown reason, she simply “did not turn on”. At least, desperate mothers were sure of this, having tried everything to awaken in themselves those very tender feelings for their own child that should have arisen at the first glance at a newborn. What to do if this is your case and that same “contact” did not happen? Some topics are not customary to discuss in society. These taboo topics are hushed up more than state secrets. Do not expect that they will be discussed even among the closest. People easily talk about brutal murders, violence, corruption, with friends you can sometimes even talk about your own infidelities. But women are hardly able to say to someone: "I do not love my child."

“When will I feel that same love for my child?!”

Forums are full of these desperate cries into the void. “Please tell me, how long should it take before the child starts to please?” - mothers experience in complete confusion from their feelings. “When will he stop exhausting me so much?”, “Why don’t I feel happiness from motherhood?”, “How to wake up real maternal feelings?”. If you type in a search engine: “I don’t love my child,” more than 600,000 links pop up. A huge number of women say this only on the expanses of the World Wide Web, because there it is not necessary to reveal their identity. Thousands of women shared their terrible secret with the computer for the first time, frightened by how blasphemous and impossible it sounds. They all pleaded for advice: “What should I do?!” and received in response only streams of insults and aggression: “How dare you write such a thing? God will punish you! ”,“ Why did you breed, people like you should not multiply ”or quiet and hopeless:“ I have a similar situation ... ”, lost against the backdrop of general hatred.

This material will not contain personal stories of mothers who do not feel strong attachment to their child. Despite the fact that I suggested that they maintain complete anonymity using fictitious names, no one agreed. “I can’t, but what if someone recognizes us anyway?” This was the most popular reason for rejection. Some mothers simply did not want to once again voice what they feel guilty about every day. It would seem that it cannot be otherwise - as soon as a mother sees a newborn baby, she will immediately give her heart to him forever without looking back. But the truth is that sometimes motherly love is more of a theorem than an axiom, and each one has to solve it for themselves.

About "incompetence"

"Symptoms" can be very different: chronic fatigue, boredom, tension, constant irritation, anger, despair. Communication with a child exhausts the mother, devastates to the bottom, and all she wants is to run away somewhere or lie down, covering her head with a blanket, and let the whole world crack. As a cherry on the cake, a painful feeling of guilt rolls in: my own child annoys me, I don’t want to spend time with him, which means it’s me - I’m bad. After all, others love their children, even if they are born with physical disabilities and it is much harder for them.

Unfortunately, the problem formally does not seem to exist, it is customary for people to devalue it, cancel it and hide their heads in the sand at the slightest hint of it. "Postpartum depression" sounds like a mockery, a whim, a fictional trick of women, out of laziness or for some other insufficiently significant reasons, who want to evade motherhood.

Don't worry, you're just tired. When you get enough sleep, everything will immediately be perceived differently.
But the fact is that even after access to full sleep, boredom, irritation and detachment may not disappear anywhere. It is far from a fact that this will pass soon, as seasoned mothers who have never personally encountered this problem personally assure patronizingly from the pages of the same forums. For those who by nature are different, there really is no problem, they simply do not believe in it, and therefore it is so easy for them to solve it. And those who are unlucky generally prefer not to talk about it at all. Because, firstly, it’s morally very difficult to voice the itching in the subconscious “you shouldn’t have had a baby”, and secondly, it’s also completely pointless, no matter how many times you have to repeat it, one or a thousand. Whether or not it was necessary to have a child - this has long been an irrelevant question, new person already born.

There is no reason

“I don’t feel anything for the baby” - these words can belong to both the mother of a seven-month-old baby and a teenager. She simply does not feel anything for the baby, and there are no special reasons for this. Sleepless nights are not to blame, it's not the lack of support from her husband - he loves the child and is ready to mess with him all the time, there are no health problems or psychological traumas from childhood. Everything seems to be quite safe and good. Only one thing overshadows life: it seems to her that she does not love the child. He does not burn with a desire to see him, from his crying and babble in the soul rises not warmth, but irritation. She doesn't miss him when he's not around. His drawings do not touch, successes do not please, failures do not upset. She is ready to sell her soul in order to wake her up, to bring out motherly love, deeply hidden and wrapped in thousands of layers, to the surface, that's just ... she is afraid that there really is nothing to get.

A similar drama unfolds every day in more than one family or two. The main role in it is assigned to the exhausted mother, who does not receive any pleasure from the child. An exception may be rare moments of warmth and tenderness before going to bed or short-term fun during some kind of game. It is a pity for both - and an innocent child, and a mother tired to tears, tormented by guilt. Indeed, how to be? Some "give" children to their grandmother. Others grit their teeth and resolutely tune in to wait for the moment when the child grows up and begins to live separately (only 18-20 years old). There don't seem to be any other options.

Sometimes such a problem occurs in a woman with a very calm temperament, whose emotions and feelings, in principle, have never been very bright. Such women can be recognized by the fact that they never fall in love without memory, but, on the other hand, they are unfamiliar with suffering due to unhappy love. They almost never lose their temper, it is extremely difficult to unsettle them. But even with such a very pragmatic approach to life, they understand that the child needs tangible manifestations of motherly love. "I must!" Mom thinks in dismay. And this is her first mistake. Should not. Because feelings cannot be synthetically deduced. Everything will become clearer and simpler as soon as a woman realizes this and stops driving herself into stress with such thoughts, she accepts the situation as it is.

Emotions and feelings may or may not exist. Some things can cause them, and some things can't. This is a variant of the norm
in which it is important to truly believe. You can't force yourself to experience something. Strong attachment, tenderness, warmth to the child immediately after his birth arise naturally, by themselves. They don't appear on their own either. It does not depend in any way on the desire or behavior of the mother, just as it does not depend on the character, behavior and desire of the child himself.

The lack of emotional attachment is not the fault of either the parent, much less the child. It just happens.

Dislike?

For a mother who does not experience sacred awe in relation to her baby, it is very important to understand one key moment. This understanding will help her understand everything and choose the right course of action, build a healthy relationship with the child. The point is this: emotional attachment and love are not the same thing.

Perhaps the difference is imperceptible at first glance, especially for those who are lucky enough not to experience any problems with feelings towards newborns. But those who do not experience them know: you can love your child, be ready to sacrifice life, health and anything for him, spare no resources for him, but still spend all your free time at work, if only Don't stay alone with him longer than necessary.

There is a real substitution of concepts. Mom's guilt revolves around one thought: "I don't love the child, I don't love him, I don't love my child, I'm a monster!" It's embarrassing, unacceptable and painful. Guilt corrodes and pushes parents to extremes - they give the child expensive toys, allow him everything, regularly take him to rest abroad several times a year, etc. And sometimes it seems to them that if the baby is a little more talented, a little more successful and popular, it will become easier to love him. Children of such mothers from early childhood suffer from excessive demands and endless attempts to earn approval. While if mothers could distinguish between these two concepts: maternal love and emotional attachment, everything would be much easier. Most parents are okay with love, even if they think they're not. The point is only in its manifestation - in emotional attachment, which may not be. But it is not the heat of passion that makes a woman a good mother.

What to do?

The fact that a mother does not feel emotional attachment to a baby does not mean at all that she will never feel good with him. You don't have to force yourself to show love. There is no point in beating yourself up every day for something you can't feel. It is much more important to focus on what can be available to you, what you can control. And to be more precise, you can just live and take care of the child. After all, what is required of parents in the first place? Be reliable, responsible and fair. This is quite within the power of every mother, and the rest is already being established on these three whales. Each era had its own ideas about what parents should be, but these three qualities were fundamental at all times.

Be reliable, responsible and fair. This is quite within the power of every mother, and the rest is already being established on these three whales. Each era had its own ideas about what parents should be, but these three qualities were fundamental at all times.

It is very difficult to raise a child without emotional attachment, and growing irritation at times is actually a banal fatigue. Therefore, the most important thing is not to forget and always keep in mind that everything is in order with both mother and child, both are normal, just the load on both is very large. It is equally important to build communication with the child only so that the mother is less tired. A tired mother - an irritated mother - an unhappy child. This sequence is unchanged. Only if the mother does not exhaust herself, she will have the strength to do justice.

Let the husband or one of the household take up a long fuss on the floor and patient conversations. Do what you like with your child. The obligatory program should be short, but regular, no more than five points. For example, if you like to put your child to bed and read to him before bed, do this daily, make it your tradition. But you don’t need to run around the whole apartment, playing hide and seek, if you get very tired from this and start to get angry. Each mother can choose for herself what exactly she absolutely needs to do with her baby, and what he can do with other relatives.

How exactly to choose? It's simple: you should have the feeling that this is necessary and that you can do this particular thing without much torment and not from a kick.

The next step is to determine what exactly you like to do with your child. Even if the answer is this: I like to watch cartoons with him, at this time he does not pester me with requests to leave the ball. You need to choose not the “right and necessary” activities, but exactly what brings you joy. The joy of the mother is important, because the child will definitely pick it up. So, do you like walking in the park? Buy sweets? Going to the movies or visiting friends who have kids? These are the kind of entertaining and enjoyable things that you should spend most of the time you spend with your child. Perhaps this time will not become long-awaited and loved, but at least it will make sense and it will cease to be unbearable. Thus, the child will not feel deprived of love and abandoned, and the mother will not be stretched to the limit, when an absurd accident like a broken vase will be enough to provoke her to cry and tears.

I don't understand at all what is happening to me. I should rejoice, because my daughter is finally with me, but I don’t even have the strength to smile. It seems to me that life has become a routine: ironing, cleaning, walking, feeding, bathing ... that's all I see. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it. I am angry with my husband, the crying of the child annoys me, I myself constantly cry.

Ekaterina, 22 years old

Many mothers in the postpartum period experience a condition postpartum depression. This is a very common mood, especially if the child is the firstborn. A woman can give up, she can become indifferent even to her own child, a feeling of depression and oppression appears. This state is joined by constant fatigue from sleepless nights and the cycle of household chores. And although it is quite natural and sometimes necessary step adaptation to motherhood, it is most difficult for women who have not had time to psychologically prepare for a new role during pregnancy. Mood instability, irritability, confusion can last from several weeks to months, so it is better not to wait until this temporary state passes by itself, but to take action and help yourself cope with the oncoming depression.

Postpartum depression: what to do?

First of all, in order to avoid such a situation, try from the very first days after the birth of the baby to be close to him and take care of the baby on your own, otherwise after returning from the hospital, domestic problems, and a misunderstanding of your child, and a complete absence of caring skills. Of course, this does not mean that you need to be left alone with the crumbs and all the troubles. On the contrary, accepting and realizing your duties and responsibilities, attract assistants. It's okay if dad or grandma walks with the child for a couple of hours while you read a book, soak in the bathroom or do a manicure. Keep in mind that many things can wait, while others can be simplified. It is not necessary to iron all the children's things on both sides, it is always useful to have a supply of frozen vegetables and pre-cooked and frozen meatballs in the refrigerator in case you do not have enough time for dinner. Allow yourself to be an "imperfect mom" and motherhood will begin to bring joy.

Do not keep emotions in yourself: if you realize that tears are choking you, allow yourself to cry for a few minutes, kick the pillow, tear plain paper into many small pieces. So you give vent to negative emotions and do not “break loose” on your husband or child. Get enough sleep with your child (while the baby is small and often sleeps) to feel rested, walk even through force on sunny days (vitamin D and Fresh air improve mood), do not neglect your hobby, especially if it is related to creativity. Perhaps this way you will not be able to clean the apartment and wash the dishes, but you will transform irritation and apathy into a desire to live and enjoy the present moment. And most importantly, remember that the cure for any sadness is your baby. Look at him with a different look, because a child is not only an object of constant care and concern, he is also a little man with his own character, emotions, constant desire for communication and development. It grows and changes every day, and watching this amazing process can bring joy and pleasure.

"I don't love my child!"

After giving birth, I was offered to take the baby in my arms. Looking at my son, I tried to feel a surge of happiness and unconditional love, about which I read so much, but did not feel anything. And when the baby began to demand constant attention, often cried and did not sleep well, I was completely horrified to discover in myself the appearance of negative emotions towards the child: “I am a bad mother! I can't love my own son! I don’t understand what to do, I feel hostility towards him, and there is no tenderness, no matter how hard I try to force myself ... "

Polina, 25 years old

Feeling dislike for your own child is a very disturbing phenomenon, but in fact, from a psychological point of view, it is not so rare. Many mothers do not want to acknowledge these socially frowned upon feelings, others try to hide them, and only a few find the courage and strength to openly admit them. And it's already good sign This means that a woman is ready to cope with the problem, she has a desire to establish harmony in her inner world and love her baby. There are many reasons for such negative emotions. Perhaps the baby was born of the wrong sex, as expected, and the mother feels guilty, and the child is perceived as unnecessary, or maybe the woman has serious problems in the family or with the father of the child, or pregnancy and childbirth caused the destruction of pre-built life plans. Be that as it may, many mothers, without even realizing it, blame the child for being the cause of such changes. However, do not reproach yourself for these thoughts, self-flagellation will only exacerbate the problem.

“I don’t love my child!”: what to do?

What does it mean to feel like a mother? Experience joy, pride, admiration and anxiety at the same time, looking at a helpless creature that can hardly even be called human? Or to feel attachment to the newborn child, his strength and responsibility for his life, to strive to protect him from all possible troubles and dangers, to help, support, protect, despite his own fatigue and excitement?

As soon as the baby is born, he, still warm and moist, is shown to his mother or immediately placed on her stomach. And it seems to everyone that at the moment of the first glance, the first touch, something should happen, but ... It happens that a woman feels so exhausted, tired of waiting and anxieties, that instead of the supposed joy, she feels bewilderment and surprise: "Really It is mine?"

"Love was born gradually"(Daria Aksenenko, 28 years old).
At first, Marina cried a lot, something bothered her, and this could go on for hours ... I was very tired and could not understand why she reacted like that. I even began to consider her ungrateful, because she continued to cry even when I took her in my arms! When Marina was only two weeks old, I was forced to give her to my mother for the weekend. It’s good that my husband took care of his daughter a lot, in the evening, after returning from work, he freed me from worries about her. I did not feel like a mother right away, this feeling came to me gradually. Now I am confident in myself, and my relationship with Marinka is natural and easy."

"We called him the most beautiful name..."(Ksenia Shishko, 32 years old).
I lost my first child in the seventh month of pregnancy, and I became pregnant with the second after 1.5 months. The doctors could not explain why my first child died, and I tried to find help from a psychotherapist. He really helped me, but I did not use the information received and during the second pregnancy I could not relax at all. I felt alone, not knowing what feelings I would have for the baby that was born. Sasha was born in the eighth month of pregnancy, he had a fever, and he was quickly sent to the Neonatology Center. I don't know why, but I wasn't worried. I saw that he felt fine. I remember very well that it was on that very night that I realized that I had become a mother. I called the hospital and asked: "Tonight they brought you a baby ..." - "Yes, Sasha," the nurse replied. Here it is, done! It exists, it has already been called by name. Since then everything has been going well."

"It was not easy for me and my mother too!"(Larisa Markova, 44 years old).
When we brought our eldest daughter from the hospital, I burst into tears, because I realized that I did not want to be responsible for her. But the child himself helped me: she was a very accommodating baby. The birth of a second daughter was a shock. The girl was a difficult child, and sometimes it seemed to me that something had broken inside me. With the third daughter it was even worse: I hoped that a boy would be born ... He was born the fourth, and his birth was an exceptional moment. My husband took him in his arms, they exchanged glances - and immediately it became very quiet ... After talking with a psychotherapist, I understood why I had problems with the appearance of maternal feelings. My relationship with my mother was far from easy. In my current life, a lot depends on what I once experienced."

Where does maternal instinct come from?

In fact, the experience and acceptance of motherhood should not necessarily occur at the time of the birth of a child. The feeling that “now I am no longer just a woman, but a mother” develops gradually throughout my life, at certain moments flashing like a bright light, at others - imperceptibly present, as a kind of additional touch to the concept of femininity.

Of course, you may be frightened (and even plunged into despair) by the lack of a sense of happiness in motherhood - special warmth and affection for the child in the first days after his birth. Fortunately, more often than not, this does not mean that you are unable to love the newborn baby or that you do not have motherly feelings. You just need time to realize that now you have become a mother and that this is forever. Love for a baby requires a lot of strength from a woman, and sometimes she needs a little rest from the stresses she has experienced, to restore her physical strength, and only then will her maternal feelings for the child appear, which, by the way, consist not only of joyful, tender and happy experiences. In motherhood, there is certainly anxiety and concern for the child, the desire to take care of him and take care of him, and it is these feelings that allow the mother to quickly notice possible troubles and deal with them. The woman takes responsibility for everything that happens to the baby, and this makes her especially sensitive to his condition. It often happens that love for a child and the awakening of the maternal instinct arise after a woman's various experiences associated with a child.

Instinct or good breeding?

Is the maternal instinct an innate stereotype of behavior, necessarily inherent in any mother equally? Or does the attitude towards your child develop depending on the upbringing of a woman, reflecting the values and characteristics of the culture of the society where she grew up?

Supporters of feminism rejected the existence of the maternal instinct, believing that it is present only in animals, and people's attitude towards a child is determined by their upbringing and general cultural level. Otherwise, where do the rejected, abandoned children who have never felt mother's love come from? (Although in the animal kingdom there are known cases of violation of the maternal instinct, when mothers remain indifferent to their cubs, and sometimes even become aggressive and destroy them.) From the point of view of psychoanalysis, we are talking about "an innate impulse that makes women desire, love, protect and feed your child.

Maternal feeling is the affection that mothers have for "flesh of their own flesh." This attitude allows them to see more than others see, to feel the needs of the baby as their own. It is maternal love that “makes” the mother wake up a few seconds before the child wakes up and allows you to see the future personality in him long before this personality begins to manifest itself. Such anticipation of events becomes the main support for the formation of a harmonious personality of the child.

Numerous works of scientists are trying to explain the nature of the relationship that arises between the mother and the newborn. Today we know that the formation of maternal feelings is influenced by the experience of one's own early childhood, traditional ways of caring for a child, and many unconscious processes. This can help mothers who do not have maternal feelings for their children to sort out their attitudes and cope with the "crisis of motherhood".

motherhood crisis

The "birth" of a mother is a crisis, as natural as the crises of the age of three or adolescence, when old patterns of behavior, old ideas about oneself are destroyed and new ones are built. The crisis period of the birth of the mother begins with the desire to have a child, continues during pregnancy, culminates at the time of the birth of the child, and then lasts during the first year of the baby's life. During the crisis, the mother develops responsibility for herself and the child, the idea of femininity and sexuality changes, and a deeper assessment of herself appears. However, going through a time of crisis, a woman becomes more fragile, vulnerable and less self-confident. These natural processes are accompanied by changes in the inner world and require a slightly more careful attitude from others. Relatives should avoid harsh direct assessments ("this is right, but this is wrong"). You should wait until the period of confusion passes and the woman recognizes herself as a mother. Then she will consciously be able to use your advice and recommendations.

Return to childhood

For a woman who is preparing to become a mother or is already witnessing the beginning of another life, it is quite natural to return to her own childhood, to her most intimate memories, to the child in herself. At the same time, the image of the mother inevitably appears before her. Warmth, gratitude, tenderness can be associated with this image, and then these experiences become a very important support for accepting one's own motherhood. Moreover, the image of the mother can be a good role model, a hint on how to behave in unexpected situations. However, sometimes the image of the mother can be associated with resentment or a feeling of abandonment, abandonment, misunderstanding. Then a woman needs to understand her relationship, because an unconscious desire not to be like her mother can prevent her from accepting her own motherly image. When unpleasant, painful experiences arise, when immersed in memories of her childhood or with complete indifference to these memories, a woman should find another example of a maternal attitude that could become suitable support for her.

No woman avoids meeting with her adolescence and childhood. Returning to the past sometimes makes her more infantile, helpless, capricious. But if she is confident in her surroundings and feels safe, then, plunging into childhood, she comes into contact with the experiences that she needs to understand the child, to accept his helplessness,.

First meeting

The first meeting with a newly born baby always leaves vivid impressions, but sometimes it puts parents in an awkward position. Most often, mom and dad imagine a smooth, pink and plump little one, but in fact, a dirty, red, not too beautiful baby may appear in front of them. And, of course, in order to get rid of the picture of the ideal image of a newborn and happily accept your own baby, it will take time. But, sometimes, something happens at the moment when the child, wrapped in a diaper, like a gift, is placed on the mother’s stomach, and she is captured by warmth and tenderness from nowhere. The baby will cry - and the woman will feel like a mother.

Do you talk about fear

After birth, there is a period of mutual recognition: the child looks at the mother, who looks at him. They look at each other, the young mother looks for similar features in the baby, tries to adapt to his body, learn how to take care of him ...

Sometimes it can be quite difficult. Mom is tired and tormented by questions that she cannot answer: “Will I be able to love this child?”, “And he? Will he love me?”, “I should feel happy, but this does not happen to me.” Such questions are typical for this period of time. They appear in most women who have given birth and pass by themselves after a few weeks, when they slowly begin to restore strength, normal hormonal balance, and the necessary self-confidence is acquired. However, if questions keep popping up, this could be a red flag, in which case you need to seek help. If a woman is helped to understand what is bothering her, she will be able to build the so-called "primary adequate connection" with the child. Adequate, because there are no perfect mothers in the world, but at the same time, everything that every mother gives to her child turns out to be “good enough” for him.

love and protect

The baby and mother develop "towards each other." The baby adapts to the capabilities, skills and awkwardness of the mother, to the peculiarities of her voice, movements; mother learns to do everything right, becomes more dexterous, confident, better understands the needs of the child. Thus, between them, the primary bond "mother-child" is established and strengthened, which will remain the main one until the time when the child learns to speak.

Mental stress and awareness of incredible responsibility forever changes the life of a young mother.

At first, love has a dual structure: love and anxiety, tenderness and responsibility are closely intertwined. True love between mother and baby takes more than breast milk or play. The unique relationship between mother and child begins when a woman realizes that from now on she has something of him, just as he has something of her. Only in this way, "leaning" on each other, mother and baby will be happy: she will develop her love, and he will grow, feeling loved and protected.

Who can help you?

A mother who is unable to take care of her child, who is annoyed by the crying of the baby, needs help. Who could she turn to?

Good friends or own mother
These women know how to normalize the situation, without reading morality and without using the postulates of pedagogy. Their favorite phrases are: "Don't worry, it's okay. I didn't succeed at first either." A baby who cannot be soothed may well stop crying in the presence of a third person. And mom, not being alone anymore, will also be able to relax a little, which the child will definitely feel.
child's father
He can soften the situation by telling you: "Calm down, now we'll figure out together why he refuses the bottle." Or "take the baton", advising you to get some rest while he takes care of the child.
Pediatrician, therapist, gynecologist
You will definitely meet with these doctors within a month after giving birth. It will not be superfluous to talk to them about your problems. Research shows that midlife doctors are the most trusted by anxious mothers.
Health visitor
It will help you solve problems related to feeding and caring for your baby.
Child psychiatrist or psychotherapist
Contact them without hesitation if your fatigue or nervous tension persists and you feel like you can't cope. The doctor will listen to you and provide psychological support.

Future mothers sometimes imagine the future motherhood in a very abstract way. The child for them is drawn as a kind of beautiful angel-like creature, which they are waiting for, but have little idea of what it will be like. Many pregnant women, trying to do everything according to the rules, shovel through a lot of literature about pregnancy, but are not at all interested in books on child care. And the reason for this is not in an irresponsible attitude to maternal duties, but in the fact that a child for them is a distant and abstract image.

There is nothing surprising in the fact that during the first pregnancy, maternal feeling does not wake up immediately. Perhaps this does not apply to those couples who have tried for a long time to have a baby, and they did not succeed. However, for most mothers, awareness of motherhood comes only with the birth of a child, and sometimes - a few weeks or even months after its birth.

Baby is born

But now the baby is born, and he immediately becomes the center of attention in the family. Spending with the newborn 24 hours a day, the mother learns more and more about him. Gradually, the bond between mother and child becomes stronger and stronger. And it's natural. In addition to blood ties, they are now connected by days, weeks, months lived together. After all, you love a person whom you know well, don't you?

Maybe repeat?

Even more difficult inner experiences await you if you decide to have a second child. You are expected to shake up the established family roles and the formation of new relationships between family members. This scares many mothers, making it difficult to agree to the birth of another baby. Love for the firstborn seems to them so strong that they cannot imagine the possibility of falling in love with someone else besides him. My task is not to convince anyone that two children are better than one. But the argument that maternal love is not enough for two does not hold water. It will just be different love, just as your love for your husband, mother is not the same.

And yet, for the first time, a certain mess will reign in your soul. The first time you will feel it is at the beginning of your pregnancy. Feeling inside yourself of a new life, not yet visible to anyone, somehow does not fit with the daily care of such a dear and familiar older child. That very abstract image that was once your firstborn is now returning again, causing a strange feeling of "repeating the past."

Guilt Complex

At this stage, it is important not to allow feelings of guilt towards the child to develop. Sometimes a woman begins to feel like a traitor who cheated on her baby for the sake of the second one she carries in herself. It takes some effort to convince yourself that the birth of a baby does not cross out everything that was and will be lived with the first. Moreover, all these torments at the stage of pregnancy torment only the woman herself, but not the child. Children are very interested in the prospect of a brother or sister. So far, they are not able to foresee the negative consequences of this fact, and only draw a rosy prospect for themselves.

Psychological preparation

But whether there will be such consequences depends on the mother. Here, a very important role is played by the psychological preparation of the child for the birth of a new family member. Start preparing him for this event in advance, a few months before the birth. Tell your child more often that he is already big. Show pictures of babies in magazines and a family photo album, explaining that he, too, was small, but now he has grown. The consciousness of this fills the child with genuine pride. Tell him that small children are breastfed so that your actions when feeding the baby will not surprise him. And finally, explain that in the mother's tummy there is a baby who will be born soon.

Newborn in the house

It is also important whether you manage to maintain the rhythm of life familiar to the older child after the birth of the crumbs. The proportion of your daily attention devoted to your firstborn should not be drastically reduced. Then he will not have a grudge against the newborn, which will not become a hindrance, but entertainment, another object of study.

Of course, in the hustle and bustle of the first days, this is not easy to do. And then there is the temptation to resort to the help of a grandmother, offering to take the older child to her for a while. But if you want to keep calm in the family and not make him jealous of the newborn, you should not succumb to persuasion. It is better to ask loved ones to help with the housework, and use the free time for games and reading with children. It is with children, because even a small one can participate in this. The music of poems and fairy tales that you read to an older child has a beneficial effect on him.

Joint classes will reduce the psychological burden on the elder. He will feel that his mother still belongs to him, her love for him has not diminished at all. Another reason why a mother should deal with both children herself is the redistribution of roles in the family, the definition of new places for its members and their relationships. The process of mutual addiction will take several weeks, and during this period you need to spend as much time as possible together, with the whole family.

maternal feeling

Oddly enough, maternal feeling needs to be “awakened” a second time. It would seem that you are already an experienced mother, you know everything about caring for a newborn ... But a feeling is just a feeling, not knowledge. Only a mother understands what it means to "feel" her child: to understand his signals, to see what mood he is in, to know exactly what he needs at the moment. Maternal feeling is a relationship on an emotional level. Therefore, it takes some time for it to wake up. As blasphemous as it may sound at first glance, a newborn baby is a stranger. You do not know his habits or character. Therefore, it is quite possible that immediately after giving birth you will have a vague feeling of hostility towards a baby who has invaded an established family structure, while you already have a child who has firmly taken his place in your heart.

Breastfeeding is the best way to deal with a mother's emotional conflict. It is at these moments that the same emotional connection is established between the child and the mother, which gradually develops into a maternal feeling.

Don't let jealousy develop

After reading all sorts of articles on child psychology, the mother is so intimidated by the likely jealousy of the firstborn for the newborn that she makes every effort to ensure that the entry of a new member into the family is as gentle as possible. At the same time, in order not to offend the feelings of the elder, she tries not to show tenderness for the baby in his presence. She seems to be embarrassed to love her own child, so as not to infringe on the other. And thus, it already infringes on the younger in the rights to her love.

Meanwhile, the little one also needs to be talked to, stroked, caressed. And the woman herself very soon begins to feel false.

Dealing with this problem is not so difficult. It is enough to understand that if the firstborn does not lose his usual amount of maternal attention, then he is not offended by the fact that she is fiddling with the baby. On the contrary, seeing his mother's affection towards the baby, he himself learns to show his feelings. Therefore, it is very important to play and talk with a newborn in the presence of an older brother or sister, involving them in this communication.

Over time, the first-born will, on his own initiative, communicate with the baby, thereby contributing to the development of his sociability. This will gradually strengthen the love between your children, and determine the new roles of all family members. Of course, over time, as the children grow older, the relationship will be adjusted. But the main thing is that they change only for the better.

Anna Minyaeva

Comment on the article "Awakening maternal feelings, or
about the feelings of the mother of two children"

cpacibo!mhogo polezhoi ihformazii.

08/31/2005 09:10:31 PM, svetlana

What a wonderful article, and how accurately all the "pitfalls" are noticed! I also have two children, with a difference of 2.5 years, you seem to be reading my thoughts about how to be a twice-mother.

06/26/2002 12:13:34 PM, Polya Karasik

I read the article and was glad that so far we are on the right track. My eldest son is 5 years old, in 4 months a new member of our family will appear. My son is proud that his mother's tummy is growing, and he is looking forward to the appearance of a brother or sister)))

10/24/2001 11:10:50 AM, Tanya

Total 9 messages .