Why do people gossip? The powerful force of negative news. gossip as therapy

Photo: Benis Arapovic/Rusmediabank.ru

Gossip is a priori considered bad. Nobody loves people who spread gossip, everyone condemns them ... But is everything really so simple?

What is gossip and why is it needed?

Let's start with the fact that gossip is different. It's one thing if a person tells something about you that has absolutely nothing to do with reality. And quite another - if what he says is true.

In childhood and adolescence, friends often took offense at me because I told something about them. Of course, these were some little things that they did not particularly hide. But they didn't like the fact that I told this to someone. Although I have never attributed to them something that was not actually there. But stories about me have been told many times.

In my opinion, everyone gossips. Well, almost everything. They discuss friends, neighbors, relatives, work colleagues ... I don’t see anything wrong with that. Man is a social being. And it is understandable that we are interested in the lives of other people. This creates topics for conversation and often makes us more significant both in our own eyes and in the eyes of others.

In addition, gossip has a certain positive side- we can take our souls and get useful information for ourselves, which can then be used for our own purposes.

Recently, a friend complained that her friend visited her at home and then told everyone she knew what a mess she had there ... Well, what's wrong with that? The man just shared his experience. Yes, it was unpleasant for her, but she could have cleaned the apartment by the time a friend arrived, and then such a situation would not have arisen ... Most often, we ourselves give rise to discussions.

Of course, it’s not worth telling everything in a row either. This can backfire on you and on those you are talking about.

The gossip code

Guided by my life experience, I have developed for myself a clear code of rules that will not allow you to be accused of and ruin your relationship with others.

You can only tell about others what is true. Not sure - don't tell or add that it's just a rumor.

Do not tell the facts about which you were asked to be silent. Promising someone not to give out his secret, you take on certain obligations and must not violate them.

Don't tell if there could be serious consequences. So, you should not talk about the fact that your girlfriend's husband is cheating on her, even if you accidentally found out about it. This is their private family business. You should not make public the information that someone has a serious illness, if the person himself is not very eager to “advertise” his condition. It is considered bad form to discuss someone's intimate problems with third parties.

Do not tell anything about a person if this information can then reach his ears. This can happen if you are discussing someone with mutual acquaintances.

Try not to discuss bosses or other colleagues with colleagues: the likelihood is too high that they will find out about it.

Do not forward any messages containing defamatory information to anyone. Especially if it is a person from your general environment. There are many stories about how a person accidentally sent a letter to the wrong address or sent it to many recipients, and as a result it got to the wrong person. And some people are generally able to forward someone else's letter to the person it is talking about. There is a category of individuals who, for some reason, consider it right to inform others about who and what was talking about them.

How to avoid becoming a victim of gossip?

First of all, learn: if you told someone your secret, there is always the possibility that it will come out. Therefore, smart people, if they want to hide something, do not tell anyone about it at all. Few people know how to keep their mouths shut.

If you nevertheless decide to tell something that you do not want to make public, be sure to warn the interlocutor that you ask him to keep it a secret. Of course, there are no guarantees that he will listen to you, but it is possible that he will still fulfill this promise. If you didn't specifically ask the person not to tell anyone, then be prepared for this to go further.

Don't give rise to gossip. If you do not want to be discussed, exclude the very possibility that someone will find out unwanted things about you. Not cleaned at home - meet only on neutral territory. You have a new boyfriend and you want to keep it a secret - do not tell or show anyone about him. You bought an expensive car and you don’t want your colleagues to know about it - don’t come to work in it.

At the same time, it is worth thinking about the fact that everything secret sooner or later becomes clear. And even the most classified information can be "declassified" under certain circumstances...

Is it really nice to discuss all the vicissitudes of the private life of friends, colleagues and loved ones at your leisure?

And by the way, it's not as bad as people think...

Perhaps only infamous personalities who create advertising for themselves at any cost are not afraid of publicizing their own secrets. However, even Oscar Wilde remarked: “Worse than gossip about you, there can only be their absence.” Meanwhile, studies by modern sociologists and psychologists confirm that washing each other's bones is often even useful. The main thing is to firmly know the boundaries of what is permitted.

It's hard to resist

To be honest, almost all of us love to gossip. Although it is believed that the fair sex do it much more willingly. But, as studies have shown, they do it with no less rapture. Agree, it is difficult not to inform and resist to a narrow, and sometimes even a wide circle of acquaintances that a colleague has received a promotion, that a friend is going to get married, and a classmate has been seen in discrediting relationships. Also, everyone knows that skillfully and most importantly, timely submitted information can radically change the attitude towards the object of gossip, and the news itself can become a real bomb. Of course, here we will not touch on those cases where gossip serves as a powerful weapon in the hands of intriguers, but consider their more harmless use.

To be the center of attention

Experts say that people who are prone to unreasonable anxieties, fears and worries, and unsure of themselves are most prone to gossip. They blurt out juicy information about themselves and those around them to everyone they meet and cross because they need constant attention. Moreover, sometimes they greatly distort and even exaggerate the transmitted information. People who tend to present themselves in a more favorable light than they really are, or who want to win cheap prestige, also often lie. However, polls show that inveterate gossips, despite all their efforts, are not very popular among people. After all, the owner of a “language without bones” usually does not inspire confidence.

Beginners chat much more willingly

At the same time, there are certain benefits to such a pastime as gossip. Since the unrestrained discussion of the details of someone else's life is also a kind of adaptation in an unfamiliar environment (in a new, in a new house, a new company). As a rule, newcomers are involved in the process of "discussion of the neighbor" very actively and much more willingly than the "honored" members of the team. Of course, after all, gossiping, they, on the one hand, seem to become “their own”, and on the other, they receive a lot of valuable information.

Sometimes it's better to be silent

If the neighbors-new settlers came to you for a cup of tea. it is quite acceptable to introduce them in absentia (and tactfully!) to their immediate environment and at the same time, as if by chance, to convey to new acquaintances information about the rules of behavior in the house. For example: “How tired we are of the former tenants - they turned on the music loudly, did not wash the floors in the common corridor, scattered garbage ...” But be extremely careful when talking about old-time neighbors! What if newcomers want to play “broken phone”?

In addition, paradoxical as it may seem, gossip helps us navigate the world around us, realize the limits of our capabilities. When we gossip, we subconsciously compare ourselves to other people, and this gives us an extra incentive to succeed or provides an opportunity to see our problems in a real light. Thanks to gossip, we know who to turn to for help, who is favored by the boss, and with whom it is better to avoid communication. However, it should be remembered: "Do not take dirty linen out of the hut." Clever man will never humiliate friends and even more so his family in the eyes of others and discuss negative traits their loved ones with strangers.

How to besiege a gossip

What if someone gossips in front of you and you don't like it? Let's say you think gossip will hurt someone, or there's a person in the room you can't trust. Just move the conversation to another topic, demonstrating with all your appearance. that the details of someone else's life excite you the least. The interlocutor did not understand the hint? Directly invite him to inquire about the subject of interest from the one to whom he washes the bones.

Well, if gossip gives you indescribable pleasure, talk to your health, but be prepared for the fact that your words will return to you, but in an absolutely distorted form. Alas, it is impossible to completely protect oneself from gossip, for this one must live in an airless space. However, their number can be significantly reduced. remembering Golden Rule: A secret that two people know is no longer a secret. And if you periodically have a need to speak out, then you can keep a diary or communicate with a psychologist.

Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: Gossip .... the word is unpleasant, although it seems like just talking about others ... But no, the word gossip tells us that this is something unpleasant. None of us likes when they talk about us behind our backs, when they invent and think out what is not there, when they discuss us. Why do people gossip if it's unpleasant?

Why do people gossip if it's unpleasant?

Gossip .... the word is unpleasant, although it seems like just talking about others ... But no, the word gossip tells us that this is something unpleasant. None of us likes when they talk about us behind our backs, when they invent and think out what is not there, when they discuss us.

Why do people gossip if it's unpleasant?

Let's try to figure it out.

Here are three friends sitting in a cafe and talking nicely about their men, clothes. And it seems that all three of them are very frank with each other and close. And then one of them says: "Well, that's it, I have to go, I have to run to work and then pick up the child." The other two kiss her and say goodbye, and then:

The most interesting begins. They begin to wash all the bones of that friend who left. And what is she doing wrong with her husband, and that she does not take care of the child, and that the last dress did not suit her very much and in general she recovered! For what? After all, are they friends? After all, everything that is wrong, according to the law of friendship, can be said in person and help a friend become better!

Or another story: Four bosom friends from school are sitting over mugs of beer. They are already 40 and their life is very much at the moment poraskinul and territorially and financially. And now, having gathered all together once a month, they communicate nicely, but as soon as someone leaves early, the most interesting begins.

So the one who is currently the richest left and away we go. The three remaining comrades sit and tinder about how lucky he was that he himself would not be able to do this, but with the women he has a complete failure and his belly has grown more than everyone else. The one who recently changed the car left and the rest begin to discuss that he chose the cars in general d ... but .... And so on. For what?

REASONS & BENEFITS

1. Way of structuring time. There is nothing to do, there is not enough brightness in life and you can vividly and emotionally discuss someone else's life. There is an element of involvement in this life and a feeling of greater fullness of life.

2. Increasing "self-esteem" by devaluing the other. In gossip, they always talk about the absent as something different, inappropriate, worse in something. Accordingly, those who say THEY ARE EXACTLY EXCELLENT in something they are talking about. They are definitely better, more excellent, more successful in this. You lower the other one and you look taller against his background)

3. A way to gain respect, attention and love through the position of the Victim. The old story is what it is, but we were just unlucky, you respect me and other versions of this idea. He cried in comparison with the lucky one and seemed to justify himself and got the attention and respect of the audience.

As can be understood from the above points - these are crooked ways to meet the needs for the brightness of life, self-respect, love and acceptance.

And how to make it so that there is no point in gossip?

only WORK on YOURSELF and your LIFE:

1. Realistically assess your life in all areas at the moment from 1 to 10. And if some areas are lame, admit it to yourself.

2. Set yourself goals to improve those areas of life that are lame.

3. Start taking real steps to improve and develop your life in all areas on the way to your ideal by 100%.

It's strange, but you won't have any time or sense for gossip. Since you will be busy with a full-fledged own life. publishedIf you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .

Gossip is an integral part of life in society. Both men and women gossip. No one is immune from slander. If you have become the object of gossip, the main thing is to be able to competently protect yourself from them.

Experts say that the habit of gossip originated in primitive times. Our ancestors exchanged information about the missing tribesmen and in this way protected themselves from possible danger.

Gossip does not upset us at all, if it does not hurt us to the quick. In this case, the attitude towards them from neutral immediately becomes sharply negative.

The process of “removing rose-colored glasses” in relation to trusted people at first turns out to be something like an electric shock, but then the person ceases to be indignant and treats this with indifference. However, indifference, like irritation, is also not the best of gossip policies. They have an amazing ability to grow like a snowball, so the desire to wash someone's bones is best nipped in the bud.

Gossip is usually called information from not entirely reliable sources, which does not contain accurate information, but is based on more or less real facts. For example, gossip tells her friends that someone N is marrying a millionaire (true) and adds that she does it by calculation (speculation). The result is low-quality ordinary gossip.

Is it a feminine flaw?

Who gossip more - women or men? Stereotypical thinking makes the majority choose the first answer. For some reason, it is believed that women are particularly talkative, and men are calm, balanced and completely laconic creatures, not having a tendency to discuss the details of someone else's life.

However, like most other stereotypes, the opinion about the restraint of men, as the classic would say, turned out to be a little exaggerated. Often, respectable socialites in Armani suits gossip no less than the “classics of the genre” - grandmothers on a bench at the entrance. The only difference is that if gossip - male, his stories are often taken as truth, because, unlike women's, they are devoid of emotionality and are based only on dry “facts”.

Victim - you, or How not to pay attention to gossip?

This is the worst scenario, but not the end of the world. What to do if the gossip part of society is interested in you?

Step one: don't make excuses.

Attempts to bring clarity further convince others of the veracity of gossip. Excuses spur curiosity and act as a catalyst for the spread of gossip so that an even more “true” story can result.

Step two: ignore.

Of course, no one dreams of being in charge actor gossip. But since it has already happened, the best policy is to completely ignore the rumors and not react to them. Such neutrality will sooner or later lead to the fading of interest in you.

Step three: pity the gossip and those who wash your bones.

As a rule, those who lack their own life are interested in someone else's life. Looking at the slanderer as an unfortunate person will simply allow you to sympathize with him and no longer worry so deeply about the gossip he spreads. The final victory will be the invitation of the gossip ( gossips) for a cup of coffee. After such a knockout, it is rare that even professional slanderers can continue to spread gossip and wash the bones.

Step Four: Treat the situation with humor.

When you hear the “true truth” about yourself, laugh heartily and offer a more absurd version of the story. Such a dismissively ironic approach will confirm the inconsistency of gossip with reality better than any evidence, and your firmness will noticeably cool the ardor of “well-wishers”. Why should they act in the absence of opposition?

Step Five: Have a tête-à-tête conversation.

If you don't like conflict-free methods and you know exactly who gossip behind your back, arrange a public showdown with him. As a rule, openness acts on gossips like daylight on vampires, and you will be assured of victory.

Step six: dispense information.

Friends or colleagues gossip if they know too much about you. Restraint in talking about yourself, expressing opinions and expressing attitudes towards superiors is the best prevention of gossip. Even if you are sure of the people you communicate with, you cannot be sure of those with whom they communicate...

Each of us at least once became the object of gossip. Moreover, rumors and gossip are a topic of conversation in many companies and collectives.

Absolutely everyone gossips, despite the fact that we were all taught from childhood that it is impossible to talk about someone behind their back. Despite this, nothing stops us from the temptation to tell all the friends at the party about how your mutual friend spent a lot of money on a ticket that she successfully lost, or about a friend who fell into a puddle. Of course, harmless conversations will not bring anything bad. However, gossip and intentional negative rumors can be a real problem.

Why do we gossip

Reason one: pathological, innate interest in someone else's life. It's in our blood, so getting away from it is almost impossible. We're just wondering how others will react to what you know or don't know about a person. This also applies to the stars of show business, to which, precisely for this reason, all the attention of the media is riveted.

Reason two: the desire to humiliate a person. Everyone has enemies, in the war against which all methods are good. The rumors that spread about you almost always come from an ill-wisher. Even whispering about your successes can spell trouble. For example, general envy.

Reason three: dullness of the environment. Sometimes we get bored - that's when gossip flows like water. When the topics for conversation end, the time of gossip begins, which can kill fatigue and boredom for a while.

Reason four: desire to impress. Perhaps this is the most common reason for gossip and talk about someone behind his back. Let's say you are in a noisy company or on a date with someone you like. Interesting rumors can make you a good conversationalist, because a funny story about how one of the mutual friends lost an apartment in a casino is always interesting to any person. Sometimes, for the sake of such a goal, rumors can be deliberately spread by the person himself. But in this case, of course, they will embellish reality.

Reason five: increasing self-esteem. By spreading rumors about someone's misfortune, we can see from the outside our life, which is not as bad as that of someone who has lost his entire fortune, family, or fell ill with a rare disease.

How about gossip

It doesn't matter what they say about you. If they talk about you, it means that you are interesting to others. Do not be negative about the fact that someone is discussing you, because all people are different. Gossip invented by third parties may be the result of your enmity, or it may turn out to be just someone's empty conjecture. Talking behind your back should be fought only if a loved one has been turned against you.

And even then, remember that no unconfirmed information can kill love or sincere respect, so just ignore the gossip. The best lesson for gossipers is that your life has not become worse from their empty words. Everyone can make better use of their time. One of these ways we